Thursday, April 26, 2012

Road Rage & A New Phase

Day 4
I woke up again at 12:30am to a party in my tummy.  I dragged myself into the bathroom and waited for the unwanted guests to trickle out the exit.  I guess trickling out was better than everyone trying to leave at once... wouldn't want to wake the neighbors.  Went back to bed and slept okay - not as crappily (I'm making crappily a word - spell check can suck it) as the night before, but not as blissfully as the first night.  I decided to forgo the poop senna tea in the morning, because the morning dose seems to be kicking in right about the time I have to pick my kiddo up from school.  Waiting for 25 minutes in the pick-up line with a puckered butt-hole while praying things don't escalate into a "full blown shit-uation" (thank you for that, Parker), is not how I like to spend my afternoon.

Anyway, on to orange juice.  All of the Master Cleanse info I read said you should "ease out" of the lemonade diet for a few days to give your very rested digestive system a chance to wake up before you start shoving chili dogs down your pie-hole.  For day one of the ease out, they recommend drinking only freshly squeezed orange juice, before moving on to juices and broths on day two, and fresh fruits and veggies on day three.  So Day 4 of my re-vamped cleansing plan  is orange juice day.  I have to be honest and tell you I was having no part of manually juicing enough oranges for nearly a gallon of juice (had to have enough for Jake, too), so I shammed and bought sent Jake to go buy a couple of jugs of Simply Orange - some with pulp and some without, since I wasn't sure how my tummy would react.  Yes, Simply Orange is pasteurized and therefore probably lacking many important enzymes, and the nutrition police would probably issue me a citation if they knew (don't be narc'n on me, ya'll!), but it was easier to just grab have Jake grab the bottles and be done with it.  So first thing in the morning, I mixed up a glass of half pulp/half no pulp and took a sip to test the orangey waters.  It. Was. Delicious.  Part of me wanted to grab a jug and go straight OTB until no drop remained.  But I stayed cool and continued to sip.  Surprisingly, after a few sips, I found it really rich and actually added some water to dilute the flavor a bit.  Who knew that 3 days of lemonade would turn me into an orange juice wimp?  I continued my morning with drinking diluted juice every couple of hours and water in between.

That afternoon I had to make a trip out to Whole Foods (which is only about 12 miles away, but with Honolulu traffic the trip can take 45 minutes one way) to pick up some organic veggies and herbs that I needed for the next few days' juicing and that I can't get closer to home.  After the school pick-up, with the kids loaded in the back seat, I made the trip.  The traffic was unexpectedly heavy for 2:30pm, but things were pretty calm in the car, so I stayed calm.  We made the drive in about 40 minutes or so.  Once there, my daughter refused to sit in the shopping cart, so I was carrying her for most of the trip.  (It's times like these that I'm glad she's teeny-tiny, because if she were the size of most toddlers her age, I'd have a hernia.)  Lemme tell ya, shoving produce into those stupid, impossible to open baggies is hard enough without a toddler grabbing at things every 30 seconds.  Grrr.  And for $3.99 per bunch of kale, regardless of how local and organic it is, I feel like there should be a produce boy following me around and doing shit like that for me.  Or they need a kid room where you can drop them off while you shop.  Like Ikea.  Anyway, for all the squawking my diva daughter was doing, my son was being an angel in comparison.  Treats have been pretty hard to come by in the house over the last week (outta sight outta mind, yeah?), so I decided to be a "nice mom" and let him pick out a treat from the pastry case at their cafe.  He picked the mint brownie.  Of course!  It was a 3"x4" and 1" thick block of brownie, with what looked like a whipped mint cream cheese topping with chocolate frosting on top of that!  The kid's got taste, what can I say?  I had them bag it to-go and tried to erase it from my memory.  (He ate half of it that night, and half is still wrapped up. Taunting me.)  This was about the point that my daughter decided she now wanted to sit in the cart.  When it's time to leave. Of course.  I got everyone/everything loaded in the car (well, my son pretty much loads himself) and headed home.  I got about 2 miles before this happened.

Except there were more palm trees and less smog. Fabulous.  As we inched along, I just kept reminding myself that rush hour in Hawaii must be better than rush hour anywhere else.  Because it's Hawaii! Right??  And then this happened in the back seat.

Because she was out of pretzels.  Girlfriend looks tiny, but she's got some lungs.  I did my best not to strangle her to explain things to her, and when that didn't work, I tried to tune her out.  This was about the point that some asshole decided to cut me off.  And then THIS happened.

It only lasted a minute or two, and no one got hurt, but yeah.  That's what 4 days of no solids and a side of PMS will do to you.  Or at least it's what it did to me. :/  Pretty soon, traffic started moving, and we made it home.

Once my little girlfriend was tucked in bed for the night at 7pm, I decided to go back out and finish up the grocery shopping.  The one I usually frequent is open til 9pm, so I headed there.  I have to say, for someone who is very rarely alone in the car, the silence was blissful.  I was feelin' good.  I got to the store, grabbed a cart, and headed into the entrance, only to be stopped dead in my tracks by a sign which read: CLOSED FOR ANNUAL INVENTORY.  Huh??? I was so dumbfounded that it took me several seconds to process that I wasn't going to be getting groceries there that night.  Don't worry, I didn't go all Hulk again, but I'm convinced this was only due to the blissfully quiet car ride I enjoyed just moments before.  It was almost 7:25pm, and the only other grocery that would carry all the produce I needed for the next few days was open til 8pm.  I didn't really have a choice but to try, unless I wanted another day of OJ.  Um, NO THANKS.  So I hopped back in the car and drove with too much determination to notice the peace and quiet.  I made it to their lot and was through their door by 7:35.  Thank God I had a list!  I grabbed everything I needed and checked out and was back in the car by 7:56. Woot! Woot!  If the kids had been present, that same list would have taken me an hour and a half in the store.  I may never go shopping with them again!  In. My. Dreams.

Hope you all have better luck today than I did at keeping your inner Hulks... inner.


  1. I'm a little more concerned about your outer Hulk, personally. I think Hulky there is lifting more than 3 pound weights, eh? Bulk much? LOL! SOOOO not on the TAM program!

    I have a hard enough time getting through a grocery list on my own, let alone with 2 kids! You are a saint of a mama for not putting Jolie on the grocery conveyer belt and letting her little diaper "beep" while you threaten to send her where bad little grocery girls go-- joining the Dog the Bounty Hunter team. (I love that show, by the way, and they HAVE to be your neighbor, right???)

    That pretty little princess is just too damn cute to stay mad at. She makes my ovaries ache every time I see a picture.

    Can't wait to hear about our post-cleanse juicing! Are you following the Shan recipes?

    I feel ya with the traffic, sister....Praise Baby Jesus you didn't find yourself with a full on shit-uation! That term is going down as my favorite made-up word!

    Love your posts, honey bun!

    1. I am FAR from mother of the year, but she and I are both still breathing, so I'm not a total failure. Naptime and bedtime are my favorite times of day! A weekend with her would probably ice your achy ovaries right down, lol. I haven't run into Dog yet, but the house at the end of the street looks like an episode of Cops pretty much once a week. And they're military. Classy.

      I'm following Shan's recipes w/ a few tweaks to accommodate my lack of juicer. They're good! Mostly. Hehe. Planning to post about it tomorrow. :)

      What are YOU gonna post tomorrow? Hint, hint. I can't help that my days aren't the same w/out hearing what the Mistress is up to. Or down to! :D