Thursday, May 3, 2012

Pill Popping And Not Pooping

Warning:  This may be the stupidest post ever.  I wrote it before bed and AFTER taking melatonin for the first time.  The melatonin label says not to operate machinery or drive after taking it.  It should also say Don't Write Blog Posts.

This may be common knowledge for some of you, but I'm full of shit.  As in, I'm not pooping.  I've always had problems in the regularity department, but I found that a cup of coffee in the morning made a huuuge difference in helping everything come out okay on a (mostly) daily basis.  I gave up the caffeine last week, but the poop senna tea had me "pulping" my 30 year old funk out on a more than daily basis.  But with no tea and no coffee the past few days, I've come to the conclusion that my colon has a stimulant dependency.  And it's on strike until I give it some sort of stimulus package.  I've been trying to give it healthy things like roughage, plenty of water, and a little fat to lube everything up, but it's acting like the fucking Hungry Caterpillar, without the butterfly part.  I've gained almost three pounds in three days!  I know that's not TERRIBLE, but since I've been working out daily and eating healthier than ever before, it's pissing me off!  So I caved.  I had a cup of coffee.  And it was delicious.  Balls and battery acid has been replaced by creamy hot comfort.  And my colon thanked me by growing wings and flitting away to seek nectar.  No.  But I did poop.  Thrice.  I also lost almost 2 pounds.  Told you I was full of shit!  I almost didn't make it to the bathroom, because the one downstairs was occupado.

I promise he's not bulimic.  He was just really hungover. 

I may not ever give up my daily cup of coffee, but I was curious to know if there is anything less stimulating I could do to get things moving.  Castor oil is NOT an option.  It's the devil.  I've been in labor twice already (once because of castor oil), and I have no interest in doing lamaze on the toilet.  I also draw the line at anal sex.  (Thank you, darling hubby, for your smart-ass advice and your creepily eager willingness to help, but NO I don't need you and your stimulus package to "clean me right out.")  Seeking guidance, I emailed a practitioner of hippie magic to see if her homeopathic almanac of a brain had any ideas.  She suggested some exercises I could do to release the kracken.  I will try them tomorrow.  (And probably have coffee.)

I've completed Level 3 of Omnicentric.  I love Level 3.  Almost as much as I love lamp.  I think I love it because it doesn't make me do planks.  Anything that gets me out of planks is awesome.  Sore rotator cuffs are NOT awesome, and both of mine are sore.  As is my lower back.  So I'm taking a couple of days off arms and abs.  I did 30 minutes of cardio yesterday and felt like a bad-ass.  Today, I carried a 20+ pound toddler around the grocery store while pushing a cart for an hour, and that was all the cardio I could handle.

Also, I ate things today.  I took pictures of some of them.

Hemp Protein Smoothie with coconut milk (the kind in the 1/2 gallon carton, not the canned kind), strawberries, spinach, spirulina, pineapple, mint, chia seeds, and ice.  And hemp protein.  Duh.

Blackened Chicken Salad w/ Creamy Maple Barbeque Dressing.
 I was a little heavy handed with the dressing here, but this salad's a party in your tummy.  Here's what's in it: 

A chicken heart.  Not really. They're actually very "love-ly" organic chicken breasts.  I sprinkled my tits with salt, pepper, smoked paprika, cumin (or CUH-MEN if you're Teresa Guidice and like to use lots of ingredientses), coriander, onion powder, garlic powder, and a spray of canola oil. 

I seared them over med-high heat for a couple minutes per side, then lowered the heat to medium and let them finish cooking through so we wouldn't all get diarrhea.  (Although that would probably help with my pooping problems.)  I let them rest a few minutes before chopping them up so they wouldn't juice all over the place.  (Because it's just embarrassing when that happens.)

Not sure exactly what to call this, except delicious.  Carnivale Salsa maybe?  It'll make you wanna samba your ass off, for sure.  Black beans, corn, grape tomato, cucumber, sweet onion, jalapeno, mango, pineapple, celery, red bell pepper, avocado, and cilantro all tossed with lime juice, rice vinegar, agave nectar, salt, and pepper.  I could eat this all on its own.  And I will, because there were leftovers.

Spinach mixed with an iceberg/carrot/red cabbage blend.  It looks so lonesome without its friends on top of it.

The dressing was a shake-up of nonfat plain Greek yogurt, extra virgin olive oil, apple cider vinegar, ketchup, dijon mustard, real maple syrup, molasses, worcestershire, onion powder, garlic powder, cumin, coriander, smoked paprika, salt, and pepper.

I'm too damn tired for measurements right now, so if you want any specifics, hit me up in the comments section.  I'm going to bed now.

UPDATE:  I forgot to actually hit PUBLISH before the melatonin completely took over, so I'm posting this late.  Whoopsie.


  1. LOVE the stimulus package comments! You are so freaking witty, it's just insane. Takes a writer to recognize one and you, my dear, are a natural! I am about to run my tongue up and down, um, my computer screen right now, looking at your salad. Toss that salad my way, baby. YUMMERS. I might have to cave in a mash of pea goodness tonight instead of opting for another orange. *Yawn.* I'm about citrussed out, yo.

    Love that you use yogurt in your dressings, I've never done that before. My favorite green goddess dressing is about a cup of mixed fresh parsley and cilantro (more cilantro) with juice of one lemon, 2 Tb honey, 2 fresh garlic cloves put in blender or food processor, with a pinch of sea salt. Then add 1/2 cup of olive oil while blending to emulsify. LOVE IT. So fresh and delish! xxoo

    1. Mmmm... that sounds sooo good! And if you added little mint, imagine how BADASS that would taste on a pea salad! Does that "toss your salad"? I only recently started adding the yogurt so often. I just love the texture and the boost of protein. It's rich like mayo but w/out all the fat.

      Apparently I write better on sleep aids? I can only imagine the unfiltered randomness that would ensue if I wrote drunk. Thanks for reading! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

  2. Hey Jess, Great post. Love the cat.
    As far as your poop goes, if you are reliant on coffee, maybe your adrenals are stressed. I don't know much about that other than there are natural supplements that you can get to support them.
    The other thing I'd consider is food combinations.
    Our stomachs need enzymes to break food down and process it. If you throw everything in at once (carbs, fruit, animal proteins, fats) some of those different enzymes can cancel each other out and nothing gets digested. So you end up with a rotting mess of goop stuck in you. Paints a pretty picture doesn't it?
    Something to look into?
    Hope you get it sorted.

    1. Thanks for the advice, Shan. I think my genetics are also against me in this arena. I'm not the only woman in the family to have these problems. I've been drinking apple cider vinegar once a day for a couple of months now, but I'm gonna try increasing it to three times a day and see if there's any difference. I also picked up some green tea with kombucha to aid in digestion. I remember reading your post about food combinations. It's disturbing to think about, for sure. I don't think I have the dedication to stick to a plan like that, but it's good to know so I can make better choices when plausible. The small changes really add up.